How Can I: A Resolution Of Sorts

Six months in and she's got my heart. She did from the beginning, of course, but that heart is only getting more deeply embedded in that fragile place where parents' hearts go, where it shatters at every story on the news and thunders with panic at every feverish night, and yet somehow keeps repairing itself at every wide-eyed grin.

Oh, Cora Ivy. I gave her that name because it means heart of faithfulness – my prayer for her – but how can I dare long for such a treasure when my own faith is ever-waning?

It's the season of faith. The ornaments hang from the tree so confidently, and those lights flicker with abandon, while inside my heart is a wrecked mess of sadness and fear and longing that's within all of us, but no one seems to talk about anymore.

How can I look into those beautiful little eyes without thinking about all that they will see?

Thinking back on my own trials, I can't help but wonder what hers will be. What theirs will be. I

know not what it is, just that it is to come. Living life in a fallen world, no one escapes the battles that overwhelm the soul. Has my path prepared me? How can I help them through it all when my own search hasn't always turned up answers and has too often left me brokenhearted?

How can I teach them about their worth when I struggle with my own? How can I tell them to be bold, that they need not worry about what anyone else thinks of them when their own mama has never learned how to do it? How can I give away patience when I've run out of it?

How can I teach them how to love when the world will never cease to throw at them every false version of love it can come up with?

How can I...how can I...how can I…

How can I sit there and tell my big girl not to be so hard on herself when Lord knows I do it to myself too? How can I encourage my boy to be strong when I feel weak? How can I give this tiny baby who strokes my face as she curls up against my body the security that she truly needs?

I sing along with the Christmas carols - “the hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight” - and the feelings come and go. Here comes the hope. Here come the fears. And so on it goes as it has since the beginning of time.

Before bed I read them The Little Engine That Could, and I dwell on those words more than they will ever know – I think I can, I think I can – turn out the light, and keep chugging along. I keep chug-chug-chugging. It's all I can do.

Then when all has quieted down and I retreat to that place within that can get messy and harsh and fearful, I force myself to fill it with hope. I think about the story my clever little girl wrote and illustrated for me. I think about my energetic little boy proudly bringing in the chicken egg he collected from the hens all by himself. I remember the first heartfelt, unprompted 'thank you' and the last big hug I got, and I let my thoughts linger on all the laughter and joy in between. Because that's the place my heart needs to go.

It's more than how can I. It's why can't I. It's how can I not.

So I'll keep chugging along, but I'll change the rhythm of the engine. I know we can. I know we will. And we will indeed, because what more could be worthy of yearning for but the faith to carry us through?

I must pull my heart from the trenches and place it on the mountaintop. It belongs to them, after all. They need their mama's heart to soar above the oceans so they can fly too.

Taking The Leap: Third Baby Fears

It feels kind of weird announcing this on here since I announced it on social media so long ago and am only just now getting around to blogging it, but that's what happens when you've got a sweet little thing inside of you that's been making you feel a little icky. Yes, that's right - it's official. I am pregnant with our third child.

It's fascinating how different the reactions to the third are from the reactions to the first or second. It is less 'yay' and more 'whaaaaat?!' I can only imagine what the reactions will be like if we ever spring for a fourth. You'd think we were Duggaring it up over here. (Side note: I think the Duggars are lovely, but I don't think we'll go for nineteen.)

I have always loved the idea of having a big family and would love to have even another one day, but you guys, pregnancy is no joke. It has been a rough few months in our household – lots of gagging and wretching on my part, and lots of TV watching and self-entertaining on the kids' part. I'm at 16.5 weeks now, and the morning sickness ('morning' – ha!) is definitely better, but there is certainly some lingering queasiness here and there. I think this baby is plotting. (“YOU SHALL HAVE NO MORE AFTER ME, BWA HA HA!”) Meanwhile, the crazy husband is already planning the fourth...

Going from one child to two felt easier to me than going from zero to one. When you have a first baby, especially when you've had a loss prior, everything is terrifying. From worrisome ailments to inexplicable crying (both child and parent), caring for your very first newborn is quite the trial-and-error phase of life. But with the second you actually feel like you know what you're doing. That was especially true for me since they were so close in age – I never actually left baby mode. It's a little different now that the age difference is slightly larger, and that's just one of the many things I get nervous about. I'm starting over in the baby phase. Yikes!

It would be easy for me to fear all the unknowns about this new endeavor. What's going to be different with three? Am I going to be overwhelmed? Will this baby sleep? What if something goes wrong?

There are so many things in life I could fear, but when I consider all that's taking place in the world, that seems to put it into perspective a bit. Having a baby shouldn't be toward the top of that list of things to be fearful of (although, having recently been in the throes of first trimester woes, I will say that three months of consistent nausea is a totally legit thing to fear). In every new phase of life there is room for fear, but I've got to cast that aside and embrace and enjoy what's in front of me.

Whenever I start to feel apprehensive about adding to our brood, I start reminding myself of the facts. Yes, kids are a lot of work, but they are the kind of work that is worth it! They are fun. And they are family, and who doesn't want more family? I mean, if Tori Spelling can have four, why can't I? Maybe she didn't feel like barfing the whole time though...

Anyway, there is much to celebrate. What I am looking forward to most is watching my two older babies gain a sibling and experience the joy of a new life. I'm excited to meet this new person and learn all about him or her. I'm excited to watch them all grow together and love each other. And that's the key right there - love conquers fear.

Some parents say that going from two to three was huge because they became outnumbered, while others say that it was a natural transition since they were more laid back. I can't be sure of what's to come, but what I can be sure of is that no matter what, we'll always have a lot of love in this house.

31 Days Of Strength In Scripture: Casting Out Fear

Growing up, I loved watching scary movies. I loved the month of October with all the spooky-themed TV shows. I loved reading scary stories (Remember the Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark series? Agh, those were the best!).

I still greatly enjoy this time of year, but I'm not as interested in the scary stuff as I used to be. After all that I've seen and heard of as an adult, I've found there's enough to be scared about in this world without turning to fiction. Of course, my fears have taken a very different form now. I worry about my children. I worry about whether or not I'm ready to have more children. I fear the unknown that lies in the future. I'm afraid of failure, of sickness, of pain.

But then I remember that God has told me how to shut down those fears.

Isaiah 41:10 - “Fear not, for I am with you...”

Philippians 4:8-9 – “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me – practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

It's possible to keep my mind from going to that place of fear when I shift my focus to the truth about His peace. I can have confidence in the face of those things that I would normally be afraid of. Why? Because God is in control, He is with me, and His purpose always prevails. Fear is just a lack of faith. It means I'm not trusting in the hope that He has provided for me.

Without Him, there would be every reason in the world to fear.

I think I held to that promise so much tighter when I was younger. That's why the scary stuff never bothered me. It was easier for me to trust in His safety and security because I knew how much I needed it. But now that I'm the one who is providing it for my children, it's not as easy for me to go to a place of vulnerability, and oddly enough, that's exactly what I need. I need to depend on His strength, not mine.

So throughout this month of 'spooks and frights', I think I'll challenge myself to remember how to face fear head-on. Real or imagined, no fear can touch me - they can only have as much impact on me as I allow them to have.

Facing My Fears In The Journey

Sometimes I’m afraid of life.

I’m strong. I have faith. I am beyond thankful for my blessings. But I sometimes think about the road ahead and wonder what speedbumps are lying there, waiting for me while I’m distracted by the pretty landscape.

There are things in this life I don’t think I could handle, and I pray that I never experience them to find out. Despite the reality that I am uniquely created to handle all that this life holds for me, I’ll admit – I sometimes doubt myself.

The world in which we live carries enough worry of its own. This is an era in which erroneous and grossly exaggerated information spreads like wildfire (while simultaneously taking the focus off of far more pressing issues), an era in which individuals create their own definitions and become belligerent when someone disagrees, and a world in which everyone seems to hate each other for reasons they can’t adequately articulate.

Life is short, truth is relative, and nothing matters unless it matters to you.

Maybe it has always been like this, but honestly, it’s all wildly depressing to me. It’s so easy to get caught up in the trivial – today’s big thing that’s gone tomorrow.

But all it takes is a bolt of lightning to shift our focus in ways we never could have imagined, when we start to see the world for what it is – a broken place where we’re supposed to work together to heal each other.

And we fail at that. Miserably.

I don’t want to live my whole life with my eyes glued to the road, determined to dodge every bump. Sometimes the flat tire comes at just the right corner for us to enjoy the view or spot another fellow weary traveler to encourage. And we never know if those flat tires prevent us from joining the three-car-pileup further on down the road.

All I can do is spiritually prepare myself for what’s to come in the hopes that I can face life’s challenges in a way that makes my children proud. I want to show them that this world, while broken, holds great meaning and Truth, and that they can have a life of incredible influence, no matter what obstacles come their way.

I hope I can do that, and I can only hope that I’ll have the courage to hold fast to that when I’m broken.