I
don't belong here. I'm worthless. What's the point?
I
felt it when I held my sick, teething baby and wondered why I
couldn't be any better at this. Upset and frustrated, I cried along
with her, telling myself I didn't deserve children because I couldn't
handle the hard parts. Not like other moms could. I didn't have
patience, I couldn't handle sleep deprivation, and what kind of
mother is angry because she is exhausted? I'm bad at this just
like I'm bad at everything else, I thought.
I
feel it when I want to write encouraging posts for other Christian
moms, so I delve into the latest from other bloggers and writers I've
enjoyed, but I can't relate. Their posts are progressive and
provocative, and I am not. I question if I even truly have a platform
or if what I'm doing even matters or makes a difference. If this is
my calling, then why do I get the sense that I don't belong? No
one even cares what I have to say anyway.
I
feel it when I've spent months working out hard and eating
right and doing all the healthy things but still not getting
completely rid of the tummy that housed three little souls until
their births. It's not enough that I lost all the baby weight and
then some because there are other women doing it better. She's had
kids too – how did she get that flat stomach and those abs? If she
can be that fit, why can't I? It's useless for me. I guess I
should just give up.
I
tell myself that I'm telling myself lies, but for some reason it's
harder to believe myself then. The lie is more comfortable, more
convincing. It has been a companion for far too long. It has grown
roots and taken up shelter in the depths of my soul like a weed that
won't die, and I let it because I've never lived life without it. I
know I'd be better off to dispose of it, but I still keep it around,
hidden like a secret treasure, because I can't figure out how to let
go of something I've held on to for so long.
All
we have to do to see how easy it is to believe lies is look at the
world around us. We think everyone has gone mad, but it's more than
madness; it's the enemy. When the world has been led to believe that
lies are better than the truth, we can't be surprised when madness
ensues. It's no wonder we are in this place we don't want to be, in
the midst of insanity. But if I can't let go of my own lies, what
makes me think I can fight the rest of them?
The
mind is the easiest place to attack – at least, I know mine is,
because I'm already attacking myself in there. I don't matter, I
don't measure up, I'm not good enough, not doing enough, not funny
enough, smart enough, wise enough, pretty enough, successful
enough...I am vulnerable...discouraged...wide open to pain and
hurt...and wide open to MORE lies.
I
don't want to be here anymore, held captive by thoughts. And quite
frankly, I don't have the luxury of being here anymore. There's too
much at stake.
If
I could give people on this earth anything at all, it would be to
give them the truth – that they are loved by the creator of the
universe, more than they could ever possibly imagine. If each and
every human soul could feel the love and hope that rests in the
promise given to us on the cross all those years ago...if they could
see that the lies they've filled themselves with all this time have a
purpose, and that purpose is to prevent them from reaching that
promise...if only they could see that we are at war in unseen ways…
But
I'm speaking to myself. Because I forget all of it when my mind is
filled with all the wrong stuff. I can't fix the world, but I can get
my head right. I can't convince the world that it's wrong, but I can
remind myself and anyone who cares that we don't belong here –
and that's precisely why we feel it. We can feel it together.
I
can no longer live under the weight of the lie that the enemy is not
that big of a threat. It's certainly more comfortable under it –
like a child's warm blanket pulled up in the night when sounds get
scary. But those sounds are real. The enemy is not just toying with
me – the enemy seeks to keep me underneath the covers. Only I can
decide what I am going to do with that truth.
