What Lies Beyond The Rain

Hands aching from my tight grip on the steering wheel, I eased up on the gas and strained to see the U-Haul I was following through the darkness and pouring rain. Several times, over the sound of Abram’s wailing, I heard my tires skid, and my hands gripped even harder. Water sloshed, lightning flashed, and I rummaged around, trying to find anything I could that might entertain the little guy for a few minutes and make the crying stop.

We’d brought along walkie talkies to communicate, but mine had died and my cell phone was beeping, as I’d not been able to find my charger at the hotel the night before. Abram’s cries were growing louder, so I dug my checkbook out of my purse and tossed it in the back seat, desperate for anything that could possibly buy me a few minutes of peace. The poor thing had had it with this journey, and so had I.

We were less than a hundred miles away from our destination, on this drive that we’d made so many times before, but the slower pace of the U-Haul coupled with the terrible weather had made this trip feel so much longer and more frustrating than ever before. And for some reason, I was scared.

I guess it was the limited communication and the thought of something happening to my precious cargo in the car seats behind me, but the last leg of this trip felt so ominous. It felt as though maybe we weren’t meant to be here. Why did it have to be so difficult? Why the bad weather? Isn’t this where we’re supposed to be going?

I prayed, out loud, voice shaking: “God, please just get us there. Help us to make it.”

Looking back, I realize how silly it seems now. It was just a storm, but my first reaction when things got tough was, “Why is this happening?” I guess I always reach for that falsity in the back of my mind – the idea that if we are doing what’s ‘right’, then life should be easy.

Silly me. Since when is life ever easy?

I know with all of my soul that we are right where we’re meant to be, especially when I see my kids loving this new place, leaping into piles of leaves and finding new treasures in the backyard. They have taken to these changes as though they’re not even changes at all, as though it’s the same life we’ve always lived.

And once again, they are teaching me.

They go with it. They go with life and all of its twists and turns, and they do it fearlessly. They trust their caretaker to meet their needs. They don’t question the changes. They don’t ask ‘why’ when there are obstacles.

Both kids have been battling some sort of awful infection for several days now, and when Abram awoke in the middle of the night with a 104 degree fever, I was scared. When Hannah’s eyes turned red and gunky and continued to get worse, I was scared.

But we got through it. And now that they’re on the mend, I realize that it was just a storm. We hit patches of bad weather all the time, and sure, they’re a little bit scary – and some are longer and scarier than others – but we always emerge on the other side, birds chirping and sunlight peeking through the clouds.

In the midst of these little rainstorms, our sunlight has been our love of being home. I can already see how this move, this tiny little adjustment we’ve made, is fine-tuning the course of our lives. How it has brought us so much more to cherish and love.

No doubt there are storms ahead, but all I can see is the joy that lies just beyond the clouds. If only I always had the eyes to see it…

The Many Philosophical Faces Of Three

When a child turns three, she begins to take life a bit more seriously. Three is a time of great cognizance and skepticism, an era of bold exploration into the great mysteries about the meaning of it all. A bit of existentialism creeps in as the Three begins to question language and connotations and the authenticity of the human experience. So when you tell the little Three to smile for the camera, suspicion arises. Why should I smile in such a bleak, cruel world? Doubts give way to stark expressions.

But it isn’t long before the darkness passes as the heightened senses of the Three begin to recognize the aesthetic  pleasures the world has to offer. Sunshine. Flowers. Incredibly beautiful, camera-wielding moms.

Happiness blossoms and reigns anew.

As the Three’s enjoyment grows, so does her consciousness. Her acute observation skills allow her to pick up on key elements in her surroundings, and this heightened awareness can lead to feelings of intellectual superiority. Three becomes quite assured of her cerebral prowess – so much so, in fact, that she finds the actions and words of others to be absurd.

It is precisely that absurdity that brings about deeper ponderings in the Three’s mind, often to the point of confusion. Sometimes, despite her usual assuredness, the Three becomes bewildered by those things with which she typically is so familiar.

Finally, the Three does what any Age would do when faced with baffling circumstances. Like a chameleon, she swiftly adapts to her environment. She tosses out society norms, flies in the face of all propriety, and flaunts her own brand of weirdness.

Meanwhile, the One’s expressions remain fairly consistent - a perpetual state of perplexity, most likely due to the antics of the Three.

The Move: Our First Big News Of 2013

When I was growing up, I never had a specific idea about what I wanted my ‘home’ to be like, or where I wanted it to be. I just knew that I wanted a family of my own and a place for us to call ours. My hopes and dreams haven’t changed much as I’ve gotten older, but they have begun to take form in a more concrete way.

As I’ve examined our lives, I’ve seen so much purpose and joy in the path we’ve been on, but I also see so much benefit to making some changes. My husband and I have recently made a choice based on a deep desire we’ve held for quite some time – we are moving back to our hometown to be closer to our families and to eventually find our little spot in the country.

Many people who have moved away from their hometowns probably think that returning to their ‘roots’ would make them feel as though they were going backwards. But I don’t feel that way at all. We’ve been away for many years. We’ve had two kids, grown together as a couple, made some extraordinary friendships, and it’s simply time to take the next step. Moving back feels like a brand new adventure. It’s starting over, in a sense, and yet also moving forward.

I want my kids to grow up in the country, stomping through creeks and catching fireflies. I want them to grow up surrounded by love from their grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. I want them to live lives that are unhurried, unhindered by the chaos that a city life holds. I want to sit on the front porch with my husband when we’re old, drinking sweet tea and holding hands.

It sounds so simple, and that’s just who we are. It’s who we want to be.

Still, I am brimming with so much emotion that I shed tears whenever I have to tell someone we’re leaving. As excited as I am to embark on this next leg of The Journey (elated, really), my tender heart so deeply loves the people and places that have filled my world for the last seven years, and I find myself more affected than I thought I would be.

This is where I brought my babies home for the first time. This is where I watched them grow in their earliest, most precious and fleeting years. I know I’ll look around before we leave and see all the little moments that are contained in this space, and it will fill my soul with more than I can even imagine.

I wonder if someday our time here will all feel like a dream, but I know that even if it does, it has been one beautiful, moving, satisfying dream. Now it’s simply time to move on to the next one.

Abram's 2013 New Year's Resolutions

Mama says there is a lot of stuff in her heart these days. There are scary things happening in the world, new things about to happen in our lives, and many important things to think about. Mama says she is getting new gray hairs just thinking about all of them, but her age has two numbers, so I’m not really surprised about that.

Since I’m kind of the man of the house (when Daddy’s at work), I try to help Mama out as much as I can, which is why I often rearrange the stuff in the cabinets and scatter my toys around for her. (I don’t want her to get bored.) So I thought I’d help her out on here too and share some of my resolutions. I’ve only been around for one year, and I think I’m doing a pretty good job at this life thing so far (I eat, I sleep, I play…that’s pretty much it, right?), but I still have many more things to see and do and learn.

Here are the things I plan to do this year:

I will take every opportunity I get to play outside. In the mud, in the snow, in the sun…doesn’t matter. Being outside is the best!

I will just keep getting cuter and cuter. (It’s impossible to stop.)

I will be nice to my sister. (She's got some cool toys.)

I will let my mama kick her feet up and relax a little more. Maybe.

I will get the hang of this talking thing. I babble all the time, but I think it only makes sense in my own head. Mama thinks it’s really funny when she asks me what a duck says and I say “Kak Kak”.

I will get better at climbing. Mama seems to enjoy retrieving me from interesting places.

I will learn more facial expressions. I already have impeccable timing.

Basically, I’m just going to keep being my charming self. After all, it’s worked for me so far. Now, I’m only thirteen months old, but I think that’s a good resolution for everyone – be your charming selves. And dance whenever you hear music.

From bye-byes to blankies, may 2013 bring you all of your favorite things!

Love, Abram