Nothing forces you to be selfless and yet makes you feel so
selfish all at once quite like parenting does.
It’s a never-ending battle between putting your kids’ needs
first (okay, little baby, I’ll get up in
the middle of the night to nurse you when you cry because I’m your mama, and
you need me) and fighting the urge to fulfill your own desires (how about I just shove my head under my
pillow and pretend I didn’t hear that?).
I love my children deeply…almost desperately…in a way that
aches because the idea of a world in which they don’t exist terrifies me.
But they make me crazy.
Sometimes I don’t want to breastfeed. Or get off the couch
to go get juice. Or go to library storytime. Or listen to a crying baby without
also crying.
Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts. I want
to relax – truly relax, without the
threat of interruption.
That’s so selfish. That’s so “me-centered”. And yeah, I know
it’s okay to put your own needs first sometimes, that it’s healthy to take a
break from the kids – yet I can’t help but feel super crappy when I want time
to myself, especially considering that being a mother is a calling that I’m
thrilled to have.
As I’ve said before, I love the sweetness in a baby's dependency. I know that one day I’ll be sad when my little ones don’t need me
as much, yet I so look forward to them getting older and reaching certain
milestones…because with their independence comes my liberation. Things will get
a little easier.
Life isn’t easy, though, and the things that matter most are
often the hardest, if you take them seriously enough. Parenting is something that
I take very seriously – to the point that my perfectionism often rears its ugly
head. I know I can’t be a perfect parent. There’s no such thing in the human
realm. I just don’t want to be a selfish parent. I’ve seen what that looks
like, and I want no part of it.
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So I forge ahead in this journey, learning each day how to
be the mother I want to be and the woman I need to be. A selfless nurturer who
also nurtures her self.
