So I thought about it, and I made my list. I tried to recall the times that I can look back on and specifically say God was doing things to bring me to the place where I am now.
I’m not going to bore you with my entire list, but it
contained some basics, some mini events, some big events…a full life of a
sometimes-easy-sometimes-difficult spiritual journey. Things like:
·
My
decision to accept salvation. It laid the foundation for everything that
was to come.
·
My
college experience, where I learned just how much negativity about what I
believed was out there. Mostly, it made me sad. But it also made me realize
that I needed courage that I still didn’t possess.
·
The death
of a close friend. The injustice of it broke me – and often made me wonder
if the pieces might be unsalvageable - but then it forced me to eventually
learn what justice truly was.
·
My
marriage. The decision about the most important earthly relationship I’ll
ever have.
·
The wait
for children. Excrutiating. Confusing. Depressing. The hardest lessons of
patience and trusting Him.
And so much more. Through all of it, I knew I wanted to be
better, and whenever I stopped relying so much on myself, I slowly began to
learn that I could be better. A new me.But the thing I wonder most is – am I even close to being the ‘me’ I want to be? All of my spiritual markers have collectively brought me through the fire, but did I truly come out refined on the other side?
I worry that I’m not being everything I need to be. As a
Christian, do I always show God’s love to others through my actions? Do people
see me as kind, humble, and living purposefully? Or just annoying, awkward, and
weird?
I put too much pressure on myself, and a lot of that comes
from my misguided desire for everyone to like me. When am I going to learn that
it isn’t about me? I can’t be
everything to everyone. The best I can do is to simply be a vessel for Him and
not allow myself to get in the way. Because I can’t do it. Not all people will
like me. Not all people will understand me. It’s more likely that few people
will even be interested in getting to know me.
It’s not me they
need. It’s Him.
So what has been the purpose of this life of mine? What is
its future purpose? Where am I going, and what do I need to do to get there?
I don’t have all those answers, but in looking back at all
of my spiritual markers, I am certain of one of the answers. He has been with
me the whole way. Faithful in a way that I’ll never be. That’s why I can’t rely
on myself – I’ve got to rely on Him.
I don’t always clearly see His guidance. And truth be told,
I don’t always seek it. I need to be better.
It’s time to be better.
