Why are we still having debates about public breastfeeding?
No, really – why?
You would think that a culture that considers itself as
enlightened as ours does would have figured it out by now, but no,
the ugly commentary about the 'crazy exhibitionists' continues. I
still see people saying that mothers nursing their babies in public
is 'vile and disgusting'. I've stayed out of it for as long as
possible because I honestly don't think there is anything I can say
to change people's minds on the topic, but perhaps I can just provide
some insight into why I feel the way I do.
Breastfeeding did not come easily to me. When I was pregnant with
my first baby, I read the standard literature about it and wondered
why there was so much written on the topic. Isn't this something I
should just know how to do? I thought. I didn't understand why it was
necessary to read about seventeen different nursing positions, how to
achieve a proper latch (don't you just stick the baby up there and
let him/her do all the work?), and all the other intricate workings
of feeding your baby from your breast.
Then when I had my daughter, I found out just how difficult it
really could be. It took weeks for us to develop a proper latch, so
she and I were both often frustrated to the point of tears. I had an
oversupply, and I developed mastitis. She wanted to nurse constantly,
and I leaked all the time. I did not want to give up because I knew
it was best for her, but it was hard. I realized that all the reading
I had done had not even remotely prepared me for how challenging this
would be.
It got better as months went on, but I wondered how I would ever
be able to do it discretely in public. Although I used a nursing
cover, she hated being covered up and would flail wildly whenever I
tried to latch her on underneath the cover, and my letdown was so
quick that she would often pull away in the middle of it, leaving me
squirting milk all over her while I tried to juggle her and the cover
and my erupting breast all at once.
It was a mess.
So I can't possibly express how glad I was that I stuck with it
and was able to continue nursing her. You would think that after
dealing with all of that, I would have no problem nursing her in
public even if she did fling the cover off and, God forbid, someone
caught a glimpse of a boob slip. But when we were out and about, I
almost always ended up in the car, hot and cramped and missing out on
things for fear that some judgy stranger would gawk at me.
Now, not everyone struggles the way I did. I first met a good
friend of mine right after we each had our second child. She came
over to our house, and I was excited to learn that she too was
breastfeeding. I wouldn't have to feel so awkward about struggling to
latch my son – we could struggle together! So when it came time for
my son to eat, I didn't feel too embarrassed as I wrapped the cover
around my neck, situated the Boppy pillow, heaved my bowling-ball
sized breast out of my tank top, and tried several times to slide my
nipple into his mouth just right before I eventually got him latched
on.
Not long after, my friend's son was ready to nurse. I watched in
awe as she threw a blanket over her shoulder, popped him on, and kept
right on talking. That was it. Easy breezy.
Man, I was jealous.
So what it boils down to is not all of our experiences are the
same. It isn't as simple as 'just cover up'. I know that seems to be
the easy solution, but it isn't that easy for everyone. There isn't a
'right way' to nurse your baby. It isn't about making sure everyone
else around you is comfortable; it's about making sure the baby is
comfortable and nourished and loved. A nursing baby isn't something
to gawk at or feel weird about. I understand that many people are not
familiar with breastfeeding and may be a little uncomfortable around
it, so I do choose to use a cover to try to prevent awkwardness, but
I certainly shouldn't be required to do so. And if the baby gets too
hot or sweaty, and I choose to take the cover off, that doesn't make
me an exhibitionist. It doesn't make me someone who enjoys people
looking at my baby-attached breast. It makes me a good mother who
puts her baby's needs first.
Last year I attended a ladies' class at a conference, and there
were several young mothers with babies in the room. All of them were
breastfeeding with covers. The speaker, who frequently travels on
mission trips to India, commented on how much she loved having all
the mothers and babies in the room and how it made her feel right at
home. “When we have our classes in India,” she said, “there are
boobs everywhere.”
And that's how it is in so many other cultures – no one even
bats an eye at breastfeeding babies. How amazing would it be if our
culture valued motherhood and womanhood in the same way? If instead
of mainstream being the normalcy of pornography on the big screen, it
was the normalcy of mothers using breasts for their intended
function?
I think that modesty is always a good approach to take, but I
don't see how it relates to breastfeeding. Not in a culture where we
see so many Victoria's Secret billboards. Not in a culture where it's
too easy, at the click of a mouse, to watch strangers having sex in
the privacy of our own homes. Not in a culture where our children are
constantly subjected to not-so-subtle sexual content on cable
television.
And you're worried about breastfeeding?
Perhaps one of the most telling examples I can give you of how far
off base our culture has become is a thread I recently read on a
Babycenter forum. A mother was concerned because she had found out
her 14-year-old son had been looking at porn on his computer. I know
nothing should surprise me anymore, but I was still appalled to read
through the comments and see what the majority of posters were
advising. Just open an account for him, they said. He's going to look
at it anyway – at least you'll know what he's looking at. Better
for him to do that than act out his sexual frustration in other ways.
We live in a society that tells our sons it's okay to objectify
women, but it's gross to see them mothering their children. A society
that robs our children of their innocence and then wonders why they
can't have functioning relationships. A society that tells them
everything under the sun is okay as long as it makes them feel good,
unless it's pure or moral or loving.
And you're worried about breastfeeding.
So that's where I'm at – I find myself in a place of such
disbelief that my kids are more likely to encounter immorality online
than nurturing in public. Why? Because too many people think
breastfeeding is weird? And you're only supposed to do your 'weird'
stuff when no one's looking?
By creating a problem where one doesn't exist, we're ignoring the
real problem.
Considering all the unfortunate aspects of life my kids could be
exposed to, I can only hope that they will get to see lots of
breastfeeding, that they will know what nurturing is. I hope I will
have plenty of opportunities to show them examples of wholesome love
and tell them, “This is life. This is how you live.” God knows
those examples are hard to find.
